By Sonala Olumhense

EVERY Nigeria ought to read “Obama’s election and the needed change,” in The Guardian of October 6, 2008. It is painful to read, but it was Aristotle, remember, who taught that “We cannot learn without pain.”

The article was penned by Olusegun Obasanjo. This is a man that had two chances to serve his country, two chances to institutionalise lasting reforms, two chances to set the best of Nigeria to work for Nigeria, two chances to be a respected statesman.

Two chances, 20 years apart. What did he do? He served himself, violated human and political rights, and left his country poorer. In the end, his biggest achievement was not in setting Nigeria alight with change, but in superintending duplicity in government and unscrupulousness in politics.

This week, he watched a 47-year old black American win a historic election in the United States. How did he react? He drafted a rambling, self-serving sermon for a newspaper. For a man who claims not to read Nigerian newspapers, he deprived himself of any rest in order to get his words into a Nigerian newspaper.

He wrote: “The feeling of change that Senator Obama engendered through his campaign for the White House represents a significant theme of change we have all aspired and fought for in different areas, regions, cultures and historical times,” he said, pompously. “The desire for change has never been the question nor has it ever been in question. It is the extent, the range, the tone, the quantity, the quantum and the sustenance of change that has always been the question.”

I beg your pardon?

Obasanjo is the antithesis of change. He hates to see younger people, particularly if they disagree with him. He hates to see women, if they are not doing his bidding. He hates to hear an idea that is different from his. He hates to see Nigeria move forward. He hates to see change, if, by that word, we mean something that is different from what he wants.

Notice how he says that “It is the extent, the range, the tone, the quantity, the quantum and the sustenance of change that has always been the question.”

It is of this kind of obfuscation that Obasanjo is made. Change is for the better.

He came into office in 1999 through widely-rigged elections. In 2003, as he swore that the Peoples’ Democratic Party would rule for ages, he brought rigging out of smoke filled rooms into the open and attempted to make it respectable. That is change? For the better.

In 2007, having failed to manipulate the law to enable him remain in office, he sabotaged even his own party and handpicked the presidential candidate of his party. How is that change?

In office, the entire world saw Obasanjo as he ruled, not like democrat, but like a tyrant. Everybody knows about his disdain for the rule of law: remember how he gladly accepted illegal donations to the 2003 elections donations and the Obasanjo Presidential Library. Andy Uba, the presidential aide, used the presidential jet to launder money; Obasanjo accepted gifts from the proceeds.

Change? In office, Obasanjo found no conflicts setting up private institutions to compete with those of the federal government. He put his Bells University over the University of Ibadan, and his private secondary schools ahead of his governments?

Change? At Transcorp, he helped himself to millions of shares. In his cabinet, he was his own Minister for Petroleum, and he treated Petroleum Trust Development Fund (PTDF) as though it was his private trust fund for the benefit of his favoured. From PTDF accounts at Equatorial Trust Bank and Trans-International Bank (TIB), this man who wants Obama to remember him bought expensive cars for women, and buses for his private school.

Change? While Obasanjo was in office, Nigeria was able to recover billions of US dollars that had been looted by his jailor, Sani Abacha. But Obasanjo never accounted for a penny. He claimed a war against corruption but he personally took the menace of graft to new highs. Under him, in his own party, men like James Ibori and Peter Odili and Lucky Igbinedion flourished not only as the new faces of conspicuous corruption, but because they were having so much fun they never remembered to govern. Like Obasanjo, their hero, it was power without accountability. Obasanjo ran the PDP as though the mission was to ruin Nigeria.

Reform? In 2004, and with great fanfare, Obasanjo launched a phantom economic reform programme he called the National Economic Empowerment and Development Strategy (NEEDS). This one-pill cure, he said, would reform the government and its institutions; develop the private sector; implement a social charter for the people; and re-orientate the people with an enduring African value system.

He boasted that NEEDS would create one million jobs within nine months, and a total of seven million by the time he left office in 2007. It would raise Nigeria’s Gross Domestic Product from 4.6 per cent in 2003 to 7 per cent in 2007; lower inflation from 11 per cent in 2003 to 9 per cent in 2007, and raise electricity generation from 4,000 megawatts in 2004 to 10,000 in 2007.

The NEEDS cheap trick disappeared within months and Obasanjo never mentioned it again. Before our eyes, it became the most spectacular economic policy bust Nigeria had ever seen. And while Obasanjo enriched himself, poverty and unemployment grew, and grew and grew. It got so embarrassing that he asked the civil service for a re-definition of poverty; he did not want to hear that “nonsense” about 70 per cent of Nigerians living on less than one dollar per day. He said he did not know any family that did not know what it would eat.

Change? If Obama’s mantra was “Yes We Can,” Obasanjo’s was “Yes You’re Nothing.” He was the only wise animal in the jungle. For him, you were doubly stupid if you happened to be younger. Even Chinua Achebe, Nigeria’s internationally-revered writer, was insulted by Obasanjo in 2004 when he objected to the offer of a National Award. Spokesman Femi Fani-Kayode had a few choice words for Prof. Achebe from the president: “If you feel that your country does not deserve to honour you, then we believe you certainly do not deserve your country.”

In Nigeria, Obama would never have made it past the eye of the needle of Temperance Farms. This does not mean there are no younger people known to Obasanjo. Bu they have to be people willing to prostrate 24 hours a day, shut their mouths, and run errands. They have to be people without an independent thought in their heads; if they were men, they also had to lack life in their lions.

Obasanjo is speaking of change? This is a man whose hero was the late Lamidi Adedibu, a man who had ballot boxes in his Ibadan home weeks before the 2003 election. Instead of ensuring prosecution, Obasanjo told the nation to leave the man alone. This explains why he speaks about “the extent, the range, the tone, the quantity, the quantum… of change.” Little wonder Obasanjo’s annual list of National Honorees was loaded with the Adedibus of Nigeria. Obasanjo’s was not a Nigeria capable of acknowledging talent, let alone genius. His response to excellence was to destroy it because of his deep-seated complex. A people cannot thrive under a temperamental, arrogant and self-centred leadership, and Obasanjo is proof. A people cannot thrive in a desert of standards or scruples or principles. A people cannot rise when they are offered double standards, two faces and forked tongues.

What Obasanjo should have penned is an apology to a nation that he has denied truth, oxygen and manure for an entire generation while he enthroned mediocrity. And if Obasanjo wants to know who Obama really is, Obama is Obasanjo on trial. But if Obasanjo wants forgiveness, he will not find it in Chicago or in Washington DC. His reputation traveled too far ahead of history, and the presidential jet.

by Sonola Olumhense

FIRST, I send my sympathies and prayers to President Umaru Yar’Adua, who is lying on a sick bed in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Last week, he finally summoned up the courage to tell Nigerians that he has a serious health condition.

Regrettably, only Nigerians seem to keep faith with Yar’Adua, a favour that is not returned. He plays us like a game of hide-and-seek.

He has always told Nigerians that his health was none of their business. Last Thursday’s admission that he now suffers from “acute pericarditis,” inflammation of the lining surrounding the heart, has not really changed anything.

His announcement amounts to no more than notice to Nigerians that he is taking a sick leave, and will not be back in the “four days” the presidency had originally announced. I suspect his doctors must have told him that he needed to remain in bed, and not go about pretending to be capable of any work.

Let us remember that pericarditis is not Yar’Adua’s basic health challenge. What has grounded him, if he ever had wings to begin with, is that he suffers from Churg-Strauss Syndrome (CSS). This is a blood vessel inflammation disorder which he has refused to admit, perhaps because although it may be managed through the use of powerful drugs, including steroids, it has no cure.

Doctors say that the inflammation suffered by a CSS patient can be serious. It may severely restrict blood flow to vital organs and tissues, or even damage them, permanently. CSS is said to be difficult to diagnose, but a patient may exhibit such symptoms as severe tingling in the hands and feet, shooting pains, hay fever, rash or gastrointestinal bleeding.

Asthma is said to be the most common sign of the condition. In fact, the typical patient is a middle aged individual with a history of new-onset or newly-worsened asthma. The man awarded Nigeria’s presidency by his predecessor, Olusegun Obasanjo, suffers from asthma, but prefers to say he has a “cold” or “catarrh.”

What does this mean for Yar’Adua?

To begin with, it means that he is still deceiving Nigeria. His announcement of acute pericarditis is, as usual, in his own interest, not in that of Nigeria. It is another of those sugar-covered bitter-colanuts by which he and his People’s Democratic Party have kept Nigeria buried for 10 years. As usual, his government had first said his mission in Saudi Arabia was the hajj pilgrimage, but would call on his doctor.

The truth is simpler: his two conditions are serious. They may not kill him, but they will not permit him to champion anything, either, let alone to be a champion at anything more demanding than lying down in bed next to the television remote control.

As a humanist, I completely, enthusiastically support having him in bed trying to get better and prolong his life. He owes himself that. He owes his family that.

But Nigeria does not owe him that. Nigeria is neither part of his condition, nor should it be a part of its management.

What Yar’Adua is doing is the ultimate blackmail of an entire nation: an incapacitated leader who keeps his country handcuffed to his poor physical condition. It is the ultimate greed in a sick leader who, out of love for power, keeps his country in his sick bed with him like the very bed cover, sleeping on it, immobilizing it. He might as well be a criminal who takes his family to jail with him.

Yar’Adua’s conduct emits an unforgivable odour. It is the ultimate sickness when a leader thinks nothing of what is at stake when he goes to the hospital. Yar’Adua’s foreign sick bed may be a special suite, but out there, when he lies paralyzed, or is unconscious, he is not just one patient. He is a country. He is 130 million unfortunate people lying prostrate, medicated, going nowhere.

It is not difficult for me to understand why Yar’Adua is indifferent: even when he is in Nigeria and presumably in charge, he knows better than anyone else that he is not. What we have is a shell of a government: all the trappings are in place, and as long as the leader does not have to perform a particular ritual in the open every day, everything will always appear to be normal.

Even when he is within our shores, Yar’Adua travels with the nearest thing to a full-fledged Emergency hospital, with an ambulance and medical personnel but a few feet away. He is neither healthy enough nor concerned enough to care what happens to any other Nigerian who is sick. And he exists within a political bubble that is ruthless enough to exploit his “dying today, alive tomorrow” situation.

In effect, Yar’Adua’s current situation is proof positive, if anyone needed one, that he was neither elected, nor do we have true democracy in our country. What we have is an abducted presidency that its “owners” keep in place to serve only their selfish interests. Yar’Adua is not healthy enough truly to understand what is going on, let alone to rise and serve.

We have to be the laughing stock of the world. We claim a democracy the leader of which is constitutionally unfit to serve, but would not step aside. We have a government the leader of which cannot present a budget to the legislature, let alone put out any kind of political fire or undertake serious governance. We have a leader that cannot go to any gatherings of world leaders or conduct his cabinet meetings or stay awake long enough to fire a minister. Bad governance? Is that better than “no governance”?

This is the definition of shame. What time does this man have to think about our nation’s strategic interests and best policies, or to monitor a policy, any policy? With all those strong medications, how often does he really know when is day, and when night; who is man, and who is woman; which direction is left, and which right?

This is far beyond UMYA’s condition. It is about our growing irrelevance as an underdeveloping country. Obasanjo knew what he was doing when he handcuffed us to Yar’Adua: lies, clich?s and make-believe: a fate worse than death.

We need a long scream in the streets.

APOLOGIES

The title of Chinua Achebe’s new book is “The Education of a British-Protected Child.” It is not “The Education of a British-Protected Citizen,” as I wrongly mentioned here last week. In addition, Professor Achebe’s road crash was in 1989, not 2001. I apologize for these errors.

Two weeks ago, I also predicted that Nigeria would win the Under-17 World Cup. We did not; I am still trying to wipe the egg off my face.

sonala.olumhense@gmail.com

by Sonala Olumhense

ON September 28, 2008, I questioned the whereabouts of the annual report of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) to the National Assembly.

In the words of the EFCC (ESTABLISHMENT) ACT of 2004: “The Commission shall, not later than 30th September in each year, submit to the National Assembly, a report of its activities during the immediately preceding year and shall include in such report the audited accounts of the Commission.”

But by the 30th of September last year, it was clear the EFCC had ignored this critical responsibility. In subsequent comments, on October 11 and 18, 2008, I called on Mrs. Farida Waziri, the Commission Chairman, to resign, and then to be fired.

I argued that it made a joke of the claims of President Umaru Yar’Adua’s so-called “rule of law” government for Waziri to continue in office. Upon review, I was wrong on that point: it did not really make a joke, it simply clarified that the government does not really believe in it.

As an institution, the EFCC always gave the impression it respected the law. With particular reference to the report, the Commission posted on its website (and I noted this last year), the following article of faith: “The Commission is under obligation by law to make a comprehensive report of its activities to the National Assembly, not later than the 30th of September every year.

The EFCC Annual Report presented yearly to the National Assembly, is a compendium of all activities of all units of the Commission including Operations, Administration, Legal & Prosecution, Media, Accounts, Training School, etc. The Commission is not under obligation to publish it, but having been presented to the National Assembly, members of the public may be apprised of its contents by their elected representatives or seek to obtain copies by laid down procedures of the Senate and House of Representatives.”

Please note that I phrase that in the past tense; sometime in the past year-perhaps in connection with my questions-it was quietly excised. Following my first two articles, the Commission issued a rebuttal. Spokesman Femi Babafemi said I had erred in asking for the 2008 report, when it was only the 2007 report that had been due on September 30, 2008.

Of course that was nonsense. It was clear that what I was demanding, and what had been ignored by the EFCC, was the “comprehensive report of its activities” that was due on September 30, 2008. That provision was not met in law, let alone in substance.

But let us move forward by one year.

Early this month, I set out in chase of the 2009 report, which was due on Wednesday, September 30, 2009. After a lot of running around, the Office of the Senate President confirmed to reporters of this newspaper, on October 20, 2009, that the EFCC had not-repeat, NOT-submitted the report.

Last year, as it laboured to discredit my position, the EFCC asked the following questions: Was Olumhense “aware that some of the issues he raised in his first article were those that should have been taken care of in the 2006 report? Was there any effort to confirm from the Commission or the National Assembly whether the report he erroneously called 2008 report has been submitted before rushing to call for the head of the Chairman of the Commission?”

I said I was not aware of any “2006″ issues, and urged the Commission to specify what those issues were, and what it meant by “should have been taken care of.” It never did.

Instead, one year later, the Commission has neglected to submit the annual report. Instead, its Chairman elected to travel the world. In fact, on October 20, when we were confirming this fact, Waziri-fresh from attending the World Bank/International Monetary Fund annual meetings in Turkey-was on her way to the United States on tour.

In a meeting in Washington DC with supposedly gullible Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) listeners, she spoke of her faith in the rule of law. She noted, for good measure, “President Yar’Adua and I have zero-tolerance for corruption.”

Nigerians the world over know that to be an insult, but of course she was speaking before her sponsors. She forgot to tell them she supports the law so much she is quite comfortable ignoring it. In comparison, her hosts knew that no federal body in the United States charged with submitting an annual report to Congress can ignore it and go bragging before a foreign agency.

But for the second year in a row, Waziri has accomplished this. For me, there are three levels of concern here.

The first is that the National Assembly does not seem to care. It took a lot of effort this month even to make the staff of the National Assembly to understand the report we were looking for. Even when that happened, the legislators did not seem to think it is strange that the EFCC is habitually failing to meet its legal obligation to file the annual report in order to enable the people of Nigeria obtain a comprehensive picture of what it is doing.

The second is the press. Why is the press not sufficiently interested in whether the EFCC reports or not, even in the face of the news value?

Finally, the Nigerian people. If Nigerians are truly concerned about the corruption that is ravaging the country, they should show greater interest in the annual report of the EFCC. It is the only way to monitor what the agency is doing from year to year. Accountability is the name of the game, and we must make the EFCC and other offices know we demand it. If we do not hold our officials to account, we will never amount to much.

The EFCC has bits and pieces of information scattered all over its website, but it is neither consistent nor complete. And it is not the official report demanded by law. Legally, the report is not a request, but a demand. It does not depend on the mood or ego of whomever is in office: the EFCC must ensure it is made available as and when due.

In my view, the EFCC is avoiding the preparation of this report because of the convoluted and complicated agenda of its leadership. This legal obligation is not seen as a responsibility to be executed in the interest of the Nigerian people, but as a burden that would hurt the interests of the EFCC leadership. The EFCC and Nigeria’s political leadership fear that questions will be asked about its completeness and thoroughness, and the fakery of our anti-corruption posture exposed.

This is a tragedy. But fighting corruption cannot be done on the ad hoc basis with which it was done by Nuhu Ribadu’s EFCC in its finest form, nor in Waziri’s skeleton-and-bones version.

It is this selectivity that is at the heart of the EFCC to report to the nation. But if we are ever to move this nation forward, it is the patriotic responsibility of all who hold office to account, and of the citizen to ask questions.

That is why, on October 1, 2010, I invite Nigerians to ask the EFCC-irrespective of whoever heads it-to show us the annual report.

Everywhere else in the world where the national leadership values self-respect, Waziri would have since been fired. If she cannot respect the law that gave her a job, why should she insult anyone else by asking them to obey any law?

sonala.olumhense@gmail.com

by Sonala Olumhense

“On September 23, the Federal Executive Council (FEC) did not hold its weekly meeting.”

Reason: Nigeria’s Spectator-Leader, Umaru Yar’Adua, was away in Saudi Arabia seeking the medical care that would keep him alive. The Ministers took advantage of the opportunity and got out of town.

The Minister for Information explained to the press: “The Eid El-Fitr Sallah celebrations prevented cabinet members from preparing memoranda for the meeting, as most of them travelled out of town without having to process the memos through the cabinet office headed by the Secretary to the Government of the Federation. Remember that Monday and Tuesday were public holidays, and we had the last FEC meeting on Wednesday. So, we usually use Thursdays, Fridays, Mondays and Tuesdays to prepare for Wednesday meetings. These meetings don’t just come, we prepare for them, we submit memos and go through the memos before we come for the meetings. So, there was no time to prepare for this meeting.”

That is why Nigeria’s highest policy-making body took a week off from its work, which is basically to award contracts.

That is what the Council is best-known for: it awards contracts. I suspect that on September 23, either there were no contract papers ready, or the contracts on the table were considered to be bigger than the Vice-President, who was actually at his desk that day. Consider that two weeks later, the casino table would have N170 billion.

But let us start from January, and take a look at a few meetings.

On January 28, the Council decided that contract awards in the year’s budget must end by September, as part of the effort by Yar’Adua to enhance budget implementation. Where funds were not stolen, they were being returned to the government, an embarrassment for a government that likes to complain it lacks funds. Yar’Adua himself, of course, did not attend that particular meeting.

The following week, on February 5, the Council approved, among others, $50 million in additional financing for polio eradication projects in Nigeria. The funds came from the International Development Association.

One week later, on February 12, it approved contracts worth N2.4 billion, allegedly for the construction of 37 emergency communications centres, one in each state, and the FCT.

On April 8, the FEC awarded contracts worth N41.5bn for the procurement of fertilizers; it said it would be available to Nigerian farmers at a 25 per cent subsidy.

At that particular meeting, the Council approved a bill instituting the confiscation of illegitimate assets from individuals or corporate bodies.

On June 3, the Council gave contracts of N25.3 billion for electricity power projects nationwide. It said that contract included Yar’Adua’s “anticipatory approval” of N15.4 billion, to be spent from outside the current budget, to fund new critical transmission projects.

The following week, on June 11, the Council gave a N74billion contract for the dualisation of the East-West highway.

On June 18, the FEC approved N114 billion, allegedly for 25 C25 EMPD diesel-powered locomotives for Nigeria Railways Corporation (NRC). The press said that contracts were also given at that meeting for unspecified agriculture and power projects.

The following week, on June 24, the life of the Council seemed to have flashed before its very eyes. It issued no contracts. In fact, it said it was suspending the approval of new contracts to its Ministries, Departments and Agencies until all previously-awarded contracts had been audited.

That determination lasted less than two weeks. On July 8, the Council was back in the contract business, awarding airport fire-fighting contracts of N5.2 billion. It also gave Foreign Minister Ojo Maduekwe a reason to chuckle, as contracts were also given for furnishing of the new offices of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

On August 5, the Council put N83 billion on the table “for the execution of various projects.” About N1.66 million of the heap, said Minister of State for Information and Communication, Ikra Bilbis, was to cover freight handling charges, customs duty, and taxes for the 25 C25-EMPD Railway Corporation diesel locomotives. Apparently, a contractor was upset the FEC thought he would pay those charges from the loot of June 18; otherwise, it is difficult to see why the contract was first given, and another meeting of the FEC required to add on the taxes and fees.

On August 30, the Council approved contracts of N348 billion to boost power generation, distribution and transmission.

On September 2, it disbursed contracts on roads, aviation and “others” worth N29.5billion. Those stranded on the Benin-Sagamu expressway at this minute, be comforted: the FEC added N16.67 billion to its investment on its reconstruction, which is now up to N24.27billion.

The following week, on September 9, the FEC announced contracts for the clearance of wrecks from Lagos channels; further power “infrastructures,” purchase of armored helicopters and implementation of global communication network project. On the table was a meager N3.4billion.

But yes, it gave another contract of N1.17 billion for the purchase of a 100-tonne telescopic railway crane for the Railway Corporation.

As you would recall, this was the period where our Spectator-Leader headed East, while his colleagues were headed West to put heads together with other world leaders.

But October 8, his FEC was back, following his return from observing the opening of university by responsible Saudi authorities, disbursing a bewildering N170 billion, allegedly for the ministries of Aviation, Health, Petroleum, Transport and Power.

In other words, not only did contract awards not stop in September, contrary to the government’s decision last January, it rose to spectacular heights last week. That performance confirmed the government’s reputation as short on principle and lacking in character. Recall that on June 24, government also suspended the approval of new contracts, a resolution it breached within days without issuing a report about its review of previous contracts.

If anything, the entire system seems to revolve around all manners of curious contracts, parallel contracts, overlapping contracts, and augmented contracts. There seems to be neither a systematic, rigorous implementation mechanism in place, nor an honest review system.

Furthermore, I think it is sad that a serious president would be hanging around while toothpick and matchbox contracts are being discussed. That is not a cabinet; that is a buka.

When does the government review its work and cross-check its contract-implementation scheme. In preparing this story, I reviewed hundreds of contracts; some of them have only weeks and months of implementation. Not once did I read of any continuations beyond augmentation and seedy re-contracting.

In any event, when does the government discuss true governance, such as policies, their implementation, and their evaluation? When does the gang get around to issues of life and limb, the law and the economy? Since April, for instance, what has been confiscated from anyone as a result of the decision of the government about assets acquired by questionable means?

It takes more than contract memos and announcements once a week to make a government.

by Sonala Olumhense

Mr. President of the General Assembly,

Mr. Secretary-General of the United Nations,

Deputy Secretary General of the United Nations,

Presidents, Vice-Presidents, Prime Ministers, Deputy Prime Ministers, Foreign Ministers, My Royal Highnesses, Heads of Governments, Heads of Observer Missions to the United Nations, Permanent Representatives to the United Nations, First Ladies, Excellencies, My Lords Spiritual and Temporary, United Nations Employees, Distinguished Ladies and Gentlemen,

All Protocols Preserved

It is with great respect that I have asked my Foreign Minister, Mr. Ojo Maduekwe, to come before you at this 64th General Assembly and read this important speech.

I could not come to New York because of extremely important and urgent matters of state that required my personal attention. First, I had to travel to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia in response to the invitation of the King requesting my august presence at the opening of a new university.

I could not in good conscience turn that down because as you all know, university education is very important. I had the benefit of a university education myself, and without doubt, it has been responsible for much of my personal success. I wanted to lend the same support to the children of Saudi Arabia.

I know that many people have said there is a contradiction in this, as Nigerian universities are currently closed. I say there is no contradiction. If 50 universities are closed in Nigeria, does it mean that university education everywhere must stop? Certainly not, and that is why I went to Saudi Arabia, with apologies to nobody.

The truth is that the people of Nigeria must learn to be patient. Impatience is our biggest problem. I came into office only two years ago, but already, people are complaining that I am not doing enough. The trip to Saudi Arabia was not for me, but for the people of Nigeria, yet they complain.

I have told them I will declare a state of emergency in the power sector so as to conquer the electricity problem once and for all. Still, they complain.

I gave them a new Inspector-General of Police so that they will feel safer. Still, they complain.

I gave them a new Central Bank Governor so that the Naira will have more value. Still, they complain.

I gave them a new C-G of Customs, but they call him a certificate forger, saying he never went to school. Can you imagine that insult, my own friend a certificate-forger?

This is proof that the people of Nigeria just like to complain and accuse others. Even me, they say I am a sick man. Ask Ojo, who is reading this speech to you, Am I sick? Ask Turai, the First Lady of Africa, Is her husband not performing at the peak of his powers?

This is why I want to caution you, the international community, about applying the same standards to every nation. My nation is different. They are never satisfied. So when you say we must implement the Millennium Devaluation…I mean emm…Development Goals (MDGs), it is a critical mistake to include Nigeria in the list. This is because our people always complain and will still complain. We are developing already.

The problem is that the United Nations has led Nigerians to think that we must be in a hurry. How can we lower poverty in Nigeria in just five or 10 years? I mean, poverty has existed in Nigeria since time began. And you people think we can just tell poverty to leave, just like that?

It is not possible. We must take these things one at a time. My People’s Democratic Party (PDP) is working hard to deal with poverty the only way that is meaningful: by creating millionaires among party members. If you look at the PDP, you will see that poverty among its members is going down. We give them access to budget allocations at the federal and state levels; we give them fat contracts; we protect any members that may be er…er…misunderstood by the law abroad or by overzealous government agencies at home. What this means is that if Nigerians want to conquer poverty, the easiest formula has nothing to do with the Millennium Depreciation…I mean, emm…Development Goals, but to join the PDP.

In any event, I must be frank with all of you. The Minimum Development Goals are not realistic at all. While I respect all of you, I do not know which of you came up with such outlandish ideas such as ending poverty and hunger.

Yes, it is possible to end poverty within the PDP by spreading the national cake, because we are the party in power. But that is not the same thing as ending hunger. We do not see hunger as a problem, but as the will of God. I have never been hungry all my life, because God loves me. My children are never hungry because God loves them. Any of you that saw me in Saudi Arabia last week must have seen me with two rich men, state governors in my country. They are also my sons-in-law. I have guaranteed that my daughters and my grandchildren will never be hungry by giving them to such men in marriage.

But there is something else about hunger. It is a natural order, and I do not think I should interfere with the natural order. Some people will be rich and prosperous; others will be poor and pathetic. That gives them something to aspire to; if you wipe out hunger as the UN says, all those poor people will become just like us. I don’t think that is what God wants, for everyone to be happy and well-fed. What will be the difference between them and us? That is why this so-called battle against hunger has no priority with me, and I have told Nigerians it will not happen in my time. We cannot implement the MDGs as it relates to hunger.

Mr. President,

The same concern applies to such concepts as universal education, gender equality, and combating HIV & AIDS. Why should education be universal? It makes no sense. That means that there will be more Nigerians trying to assert their rights or to challenge the PDP.

To me, that is a prescription for chaos, and I don’t want to have to send out soldiers or “Kill & Go” to wipe out educated militants. Education should be for those who need it, such as rich families and royalty, to enable them protect their property and tradition. Can you see all the trouble that lawyers and journalists cause? And why do we need scientists and engineers when we can always get some from Germany, the UK or Saudi Arabia?

And one of the things that make me the angriest is when I am told that the United Nations wants gender equality. Equality? So men and women will enjoy the same rights? That is scandalous. Women are inferior people, and their job is to look after their husbands and children. That is why I do not mind giving my daughters to men that already have many wives. Apart from the First Lady of Africa, my dear Turai, women are dispensable, and are worth far less than all the trouble they manufacture. Just ask Vice-President Goodluck Jonathan.

And why should HIV & AIDS be my problem? I did not cause it, and I should not have to be concerned with it. I believe that health is a private matter, and anyone who contracts HIV should deal with it himself or herself. There are hospitals in Germany and Jeddah that can cure emm…emm…anything. If you are in the PDP you will get enough contracts to go there and get the best treatment on earth, but I should not be asked to face the problem as national leader.

I am being frank, Mr. President, a quality that is missing here at the United Nations. You people even went and put child health and maternal health on the Minimum Development Goals. Child health and maternal health are not problems in Nigeria. Ask Ojo: All our children and pregnant women are healthy.

In any case, even if they have problems, it is the responsibility of the parents of a child or the husband of a woman to take care of them. That is why we have good hospitals in Nigeria: to take care of health problems. Why did the United Nations find it necessary to dabble in issues like this, instead of its real job?

The real job of the United Nations is peace on earth…I mean, international peace and security. That is why Nigeria wants to be a permanent member of the Security Council, armed with the power of veto. As the giant of Africa, Nigeria is capable of bringing peace and security to every corner of the world.

That is why I have asked Ojo to do whatever is necessary to ensure Nigeria becomes a permanent member. We have the money. We have the oil. We have peacekeepers, 27 of whom are now in jail for not being disciplined. I have been told we may even have a lot of diamonds. We have the police…I mean, political will. We have the Attorney General and Minister of Justice, who was with Ojo here last year. He is a fine lawyer.

And I am ready to lead. I am healthy. Despite the rumours, I am not a weakling. You will see what I will do in the Security Council.

It is equally important to remind you all that this is a wonderful time for us in Nigeria. Nigeria turns 50 this week, an excellent country that has been misunderstood for so long.

One of the reasons we have been misunderstood for so long is that we permitted other people to call us names. That will not happen any more. Our Rebrand Nigeria scheme is now in motion, and our Minister for Information, a very persuasive woman, will soon be coming to as many as 150 countries to tell you what a wonderful country Nigeria is. Did you see how we crushed Sony Corporation recently? They dared air an offensive advert, and we made them apologize. Did you see what we did with the movie “District 9”? It made us look bad, so we banished it from our borders.

Actually, it was Ojo himself who announced our foreign policy thrust two years ago: you mess with Nigeria, and Nigeria will mess with you. If you say Nigeria has no water, we will buy water and pour on you. If you say Nigerians are not educated, we will show you a Nigerian that has won a Nobel Prize, or one that is a Special Representative of the Secretary General, my predecessor, the illustrious Obasanjo (not Obesanjo as they called him in “District 9.”) If you dare say a former governor of a state is guilty of corruption, we will show you that cannot be true; those former governors are my personal friend. How can a friend of the President be guilty of anything?

As Nigeria celebrates its 50th year of independence this week, we remind you we are the happiest nation on earth. I am going to make a big speech telling Nigerians to learn to be grateful and not to be impatient. Rome was not built during the day.

Mr. President, Ladies and Gentlemen,

I am not sorry that I am not personally present at the GA this year. Yes, I know you had High Level Summits Nigeria could not participate in, such as the Food Security Summit, the Climate Change Summit, and the formation of the African Leaders Malaria Alliance.

What I do not understand is why people are so disappointed I was not there. Nigeria does not lack food at all (so why do we need a food summit?); our climate has not changed since independence, and we have M & B for treating malaria.

In any case, last year I missed the High Level Meeting on Africa’s Development Needs and the High Level meeting on the Millennium Development Goals. What is the big deal? These are all just Summits about development, and we should not take them too seriously. We cannot be talking about development and progress all the time. Is there nothing else? That is why, in the PDP, we avoid these subjects.

For instance, Ojo that is delivering this address came to the General Assembly from Brazil. And while you have all been talking about development and change, life and liberty, he left New York for Venezuela. In between, he has planned private trips to Boston and other places. Yet he is here to deliver this address. That is the lesson we in the PDP can teach the world: government is for those that govern!

Finally, I would like to invite you all to Abuja for our 50th independence on Thursday and throughout the weekend. Come to Aso Rock and see why they say Nigerians are the happiest people on earth. You will also see that we are a very forgiving people, because some of our nation’s so-called corrupt former governors will be there. I have forgiven them.

I suggest you plan for a couple of days of incredible merriment in Abuja. And then you can return to the General Assembly and let the talking continue. I assure you, the people of Nigeria will not complain. And neither will I.

I will make you one promise. It is still a long way away, but next year, I will come to the General Assembly. I understand the Secretary General wants to discuss the MDGs. I will come and tell you all why the MDGs are a waste of time. In its place, I will present you all with an incredible plan, a seven-point killer plan.

I thank you.

** Its a satire