By Reuben Abati

“YOU gotta cry to laugh” is the title of a book by Peter Enahoro. Looks like that is what Nigerians are going through, this Christmas. There is so much excitement across the land, people trying to enjoy a two-day Christmas holiday and a weekend, but deep down, the people are aching. When the Lord Jesus Christ was born more than 2, 000 years ago, his birth was heralded by comets which drew the attention of three Wise Men from the Orient. Something phenomenal had happened, and the Illuminati had taken notice. The arrival of the Lord Jesus, Master of the Universe, was to mark a turning point in the destiny of humankind. For God so loved the world that he gave his own begotten son, as sacrificial lamb, so that the rest of humanity may enjoy the grace of eternal salvation. In Christendom, this singular act stands on the same template as the story of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden as part of the extended story of Creation in Christian eschatology. The Birth of Jesus, celebrated today soon came to define the value-system of one of the world’s most popular religious orientations. There are Christians who do not agree that Jesus was born on December 25, Jehovah Witnesses for example, and there have been writings pointing to the claim that the Feast of December 25 has its roots in ancient pagan rites of the Essene Cult or the Great White Brotherhood.

Some students of ancient mysteries insist that Jesus Christ is not God per se, but a Master, one of the enlightened souls in a long list of chosen Avatars, a Master of His Age in an evolutionary chain. But whatever is the true date of the birth of Christ, or the conception of His mission, there is hardly any doubt about the significance of His Life, and the lessons that he taught. Jesus Christ was the Divine Consciousness in Human form, teaching humanity the path to salvation, and the link between man and God. His life and mission as reported in the New Testament were distinguished by high values: humility, compassion, love, selflessness, duty, service, temperance, honesty and honour. These same values are in very short supply in Nigeria which ironically is one of the most religious countries in the world. Close to half of the country’s 140 million population is Christian. Every day, Nigerian Christians wear their religiosity on their sleeves. Nearly every street has a church.

On weekdays, the unemployed, widows, widowers, the sick, the aged, the depressed, the unmarried troop to the churches in search of God and salvation. They are quick to call upon the Lord Jesus Christ. “Blood of Jesus” is probably one of the most popular phrases in the country, and definitely one of the most abused. There is also “In Jesus Name” or simply “Jesus Christ!” Some offices in Nigeria do not start business in the morning until Jesus has been summoned to take charge of the affairs of the day. Every meal is handed over to Christ to guide and bless. In Christian homes, Jesus Christ is said to be in charge, he is in fact the unseen landlord. Government functions usually begin or end with the name of Jesus. Nevertheless, as we celebrate Christmas 2009, I think of how un-Christ-like Nigerian Christians are.

They relate to Christ as a talisman. He makes meaning to them as an OPC, or Egbesu, or as a symbol to be called upon for the purposes of ensuring balance between Muslims and Christians. Considering the number of churches in this country, if the Christian doctrine was being taught and observed, this should be a different land. Christians, in or out of government, do the exact opposite of what Jesus taught. They know very little about His life or the values that He represents. They don’t love their neighbours. They are impatient. The Lord Jesus taught us to shun materialism and not to engage in evil deeds. Many of the looters of the Nigerian treasury are big men in Nigerian churches. Among those accountants who falsify company reports and mislead investors are Christians. Nearly every bank chief that was indicted in the recent shake up in the banking sector is a Christian. And so today, as Christians celebrate in Nigeria , the hypocrites among them should search themselves. They should ask themselves probing questions: am I worthy of the title Christian? Am I His disciple or a mere pretender? Judas Iscariot followed Jesus Christ everywhere, but for a few shekels, he betrayed him. Verily, verily, we are in the age of Judas.

It is, sadly, his example that has endured among men and women who for filthy lucre will sell their kith and kin and ruin the community. They have taken over the church, encouraged by equally guilty clergy. The church of Nigeria , as a general body must ask itself whether or not it is making a difference. Many Christian leaders in Nigeria have latched on to the miracle aspect of the ministry of the Lord Jesus, and so they claim that they see visions, they can heal the sick, they sell olive oil and white handkerchiefs, but in reality they are not teaching the Word, rather they are promoting sorcery. They have forgotten that Christ did not set up a church. His Ministry was not a family business. He did not own a private jet. He didn’t travel first class. He had no bodyguards. He was not a spiritual consultant to presidents and company directors. They call His name, but they do not know Him. Many Nigerians go to church to worship the Pastor not God.

On hypocrisy: as it is with Christians, so it is with Muslims and other religious groups. There is a great need for soul-searching among all who call upon the name of God. God is the source of unity. He is One. The consciousness of God that is shared by all Nigerians should translate into bigger achievements in the community, better behaviour and greater enlightenment. We have lost touch with Him. He no longer speaks to us; we no longer hear his voice. The spirit of Judas has blinded us to the path of faith. And so on Christmas day, we can only cry and laugh. We laugh because we are prisoners of hope. We are forever hoping that the dark clouds in the horizon will clear and that our tomorrow will be brighter. Hope without effort is in vain. We cry because our country is a veritable symbol of faithlessness. A friend and his family have gone off to Dubai for the Christmas holiday. The moment they arrived in that enchanting land, they could not hide their excitement. They called to exclaim that Dubai is ten times better than London ! They abused Nigerian leaders for wasting our oil wealth and turning Nigeria into a big question mark. The children said they would rather live in Dubai , not Nigeria .

It is not difficult to know a country where God still speaks directly to the people. We are a forsaken nation. But don’t blame God, blame the hypocrites. My friend and his family would soon return to Nigeria : they will be returning to fuel scarcity, irregular power supply, a life dominated by sundry criminal activities: kidnapping, armed robbery, accidents and grand corruption, widespread poverty and frustration. Our Lord Jesus Christ loved the poor. He talked about their special inheritance. In Nigeria , the poor are forever poor; they have neither this earth nor the world beyond to inherit. They cry and laugh in their helplessness. Christmas, so close to the end of the year, suggests a certain closure but it is only a year that ends; not the people’s suffering.

The halo of tragedy with which every year has ended since 1999, and beyond, makes life and living in Nigeria such a harrowing experience. Every year, nothing changes. The substance of tragedy is in the interplay of opposite values. Our self-pity makes no difference to the fears that haunt us. We are playthings not of fate, but inept leadership, and our own hypocrisy and self-indulgence. The Master Teacher told his disciples: “I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you… By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love among yourselves” (John 13: 34, 35). If the Lord Jesus were to resurrect a second time today, he would tell Nigerians: “enough of your deceit!…”

By Reuben Abati

AMERICANS have been both lachrymose and hypocritical about the private life of Tiger Woods, and now they have forced the golfing genius to lay down his club, as he proceeds on an indefinite leave to sort out his family matters and be a better husband to Elin Nordegren and their two children. It is like the Clinton saga all over again. And very much like that Governor in New York, Eliot Spitzer, who bedded prostitutes, except that in this case Tiger used his own money and time. In all instances, America’s moral police doesn’t spare blood in reminding everyone of how the mighty has fallen. Tiger Woods’s case is made worse by the black blood in his veins. I imagine White America sniggering: “what do you expect? The man has black blood. It doesn’t matter what those guys achieve in any field of human endeavour; their real brain is somewhere else.” Such racist assertions do not match the facts.

But Tiger Woods has not made his own case easy at all: the list of women that he has taken to the car park, to the back of a car or to his own home, on the couch, in the kitchen accentuates such animalism that is bound to annoy decent members of society. Thirteen mistresses at the last count and more bimbos are putting their foot and mouth in the story to enjoy the limelight and make a few quick bucks! If the frenzy is sustained, I see the list reaching 50 by month-end. (Oh Tiger, that’s incredible!) But shouldn’t the women be subjected to lie-detector tests, to separate fact from fiction? Our dear brother seems to have a thing for white girls, slim, gorgeous, tempting even in photos, but mostly white trash: waiters, porn stars, nightclub hostesses, so-called media personalities. Water finding its level? Tiger has good looks. He is wealthy. His pedigree is rare and distinguished. But he still has to crawl back to the mud and now he has been splattered all over with it. He won’t play golf for a while. He has told us that he is sorry (sorry for cuckolding his wife and making adultery look like the sin that it is); some of the companies that used to endorse him are pulling his adverts; there is no hotter topic on golf courses than the fall of Tiger Woods. It must be painful that a man so gifted, could be so human.

The lessons of his travails and trip to purgatory are quite clear: men no matter how gifted are fallible after all. Public figures have no hiding places: Tiger Woods is the victim of tabloid scrutiny and of the greed of the women in his lives. There are no perfect lives. Not even Woods’: he the old picture of a perfect husband and family man, with his wife and daughter hanging on to him as he won the Majors. To think that after all that role model-ish, photo sessions, the genius was always anxious to hurry off to one of his numerous bimbos and download more unspent energy. This Tiger could not resist returning to the wild of the woods. Man is deceptive. Did the Almighty not look at his own creation and shake his head? However, I think the point on Tiger has been well made, and hypocritical America should spare us the racist insinuations.

America makes too much fetish out of this kind of story. Perhaps we all expect too much from the stars in the public arena. We expect them to be perfect. We expect them to be God-like. We imagine that they are unlike us, ordinary mortals. Yet, always, we are awaken to the reality that human gods have feet of clay. And in skewering them in matters of romantic indiscretion, we are often unsparing with all kinds of frustrated commentators projecting their own problems onto the topic. But what did we expect? Tiger Woods is a creation of the media and a victim of his own success. Corporate America seeking to cash in on his success turned him through their brand adverts into the ultimate picture of perfection. He is supposed to be as perfect as his legendary shots on the golf course. We were all told to be the Tiger or aspire to be like him. Now all of a sudden, Tiger Woods has become the latest poster boy for adultery in America.

All that point about marital fidelity is forever okay, I have no problems with it. But the anti-Tiger noise level is deafening. The other day, his mother-in-law took ill, the way the American press latched on to the story, you would think he caused the illness. A sense of realism is sorely needed. Tiger Woods’ condemnation must be balanced with the equal condemnation of those opportunistic bimbos, those kiss and tell freaks who enjoyed every moment of their dalliance with Tiger and are now telling it all, turning it into an opportunity for sales(wo)manship and profit.

If every pretty lady goes to the press to confess her trysts with prominent men, for a fee, the world will be upside down in a matter of hours. And should men also decide to kiss and tell? Tiger Woods is not a Catholic priest. He is not suffering from acute pericarditis. He has not been accused of turning his golf club into a weapon of assault. He is a healthy, 34, alpha male, full of energy, one of the best athletes of our time. Many of those who are condemning him are plainly hypocritical. They are making it seem as if the man has committed a crime against humanity. Some commentators say he is fake and stupid. Bill Clinton must be shaking his head: “Poor Tiger, Poor Tiger, Oh Tiger.” Tiger probably needs Bill Clinton’s knowledge, and Elin, a few counselling sessions with Hillary Clinton: “Whatever happens, Elin, stand by your man; we must protect the institution of marriage against straying husbands and the long-legged bimbos.”

In matters of this nature, Africans seem to be ahead of Americans. Africans decided long ago, that it is in the nature of men to stray. So they developed polygamy into a way of life. Even in monogamous marriages, heavens don’t fall; careers don’t crash just because a husband is caught in the act. The same may not be said for wives though, because the same African worldview that grants latitude to men insists that a woman is the soul of a marriage, the spirit that must wield it together and keep it pure. In Swaziland, the king takes a new wife almost annually. The late Chief MKO Abiola, symbol of Nigeria’s struggle for democracy, had a wife from every chieftaincy district in Nigeria. Nobody had any problem with that and even the women in the Chief’s household seemed to be very happy with the arrangement. There is a state Governor in Nigeria today who has three wives, a judge, a PhD holder, a lawyer, and all three women run a division of labour system. There is no story there. The difference is in the relative definition of love. Woods went with other women. He does not love his family? One principle that was long established in Africa is that a man can love two women, even ten women, at the same time. Can anyone imagine a woman coming forward to advertise text messages between her and Abedi Pele of Ghana, or Kanu Nwankwo of Nigeria? She will be labelled a blackmailer; the athlete will be hailed for being sound in body and mind!

In Nigeria, polygamy, even bigamy, is taken for granted. I recall one fellow boasting that he had two and a half wives. The half is a mistress who could also end up as a wife. The car crash in front of Tiger’s home may have been due to disagreement between him and his wife. If a wife tries that in Nigeria, she may be returned to her parents immediately: “Do you want to kill the father of your children because of a text message from another woman? If you kill him who will help you look after your children? What is your problem? Are you hungry? You don’t have clothes to wear?” Worse, she could be turned into a punching bag. In The US, the police were nosing around to find out if there had been a case of domestic violence at the home of the Woods.

Tiger wants to take a leave of absence; his own way of dramatising his travails. Let him come to Nigeria. There is a fine golf course in Ada, Osun state, there is another one in Uyo, Akwa Ibom state and if he so wishes, he could serve purgatory at Obudu Cattle Ranch in Cross River State, far from the madding American crowd. And since he does not like dark-skinned, African ladies, Elin needs not worry at all. But should this brother of ours decide to be a little adventurous (not good in purgatory though), he will find Nigerian girls quite understanding and civilised. They will keep his secrets safe. They are not likely to go about selling his text messages to the media, and even if they blab to their friends, the friends know that certain things are better left unsaid. America encourages kiss and tell. That society loves dispatches from the bedroom. Such things provide such instant excitement that is beyond Hollywood. No one should be surprised if some day we wake up to see a line up of pretty ladies in Obama’s life, all looking unlike Michelle, with the media feeding on it. Even secondary school sweethearts could show up to report how they were once kissed in the woods.

Tiger Woods was last sighted in a yacht preparing to go to Sweden, his wife’s native country. There should be a happy ending to his story, all the same. I don’t think he is the villain he has now been turned into. Thanks Nike, for being loyal. The current unveiling of his indiscretions will not diminish that which Tiger Woods represents in his sport. No one can take that away from him. He is one of the finest golfers of all times, and he may still return to win more than the 18 Majors that he seeks. Golf without its biggest player is not the same. Whoever wins any Major in Tiger’s absence, is not really a winner. The question: What if..? will hang over his prize. On or off the field, the image that will endure will be that of Tiger Woods putting phenomenal strokes and doing the impossible with the golf ball. In losing, Tiger still wins. It is not Rachel Uchitel, Jamie Grubbs, Jamie Jungers, Holly Sampson, Kalika Moquin, Joslyn James, quite a long list, better to cut a long story short by saying and all the others, known and waiting to come out, that will define him, not even the withdrawn endorsement deals, but golf. Our Tiger will return from the Woods.

Have A Merry Xmas

HAVE a Merry Xmas, my dear compatriot/Our President is in Jeddah at the King Faisal Hospital/They say he is responding to treatment!/We thank the Almighty for this/And if you have seen the pictures of the hospital, you will thank God for our President/Vice President Jonathan says he cannot sign the Supplementary Budget/ He cannot sign the National Merit Award list/He cannot summon a Council of State of Meeting/ He cannot sign Budget 2010/One SAN even says any Federal Executive Council meeting chaired by the Vice President is illegal/What then can Jonathan do?/Still, thank God my compatriot/ The roads are bad/FRSC says 4, 620 lives have been lost in 2009/2, 428 were injured/over 12, 000 vehicles were damaged/It is Xmas, many Easterners are not going home/They are afraid of kidnappers/Still, let us thank God/Power supply is epileptic/Government says it can no longer deliver the 6, 000 MW it promised/Still, we thank God/As we thank God, armed robbers and assassins are on the prowl/Ritual killers are flourishing/Thousands are jobless/Millions are homeless/Hundreds are searching for crumbs/We thank God still/Even the weather has changed/It is raining heavily in December/No harmattan/We must thank God, compatriot/It could have been worse/It could have been worse than worse/It had always been worse/Fuel queues are returning to the stations/It could have been worse/So, thank God/And have a Merry Xmas if you can.